I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
