I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
