1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
