we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
