Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
