We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
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It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
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Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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