When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling