I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!