During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.