in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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