oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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