the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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