I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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