Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
