answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
