If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
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