it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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