So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
