i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pants are for mortals
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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