Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
He? As in you personified your dick?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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