I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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