so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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