omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
