Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
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