So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
