taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
