I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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