ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
