ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
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