Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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