Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Randomize
