Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
