I like to think it a success when the cops are called
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
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Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
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I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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