he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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