eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
