I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize
