Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
