He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
