i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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