so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
