You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
