woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
