Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
