new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He better not be in your backpack
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....