took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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