hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
