Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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