WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
