Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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