you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
