i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
