Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
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