i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Can you bring me the toilet please
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
