"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
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