at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
